


Athazagoraphobia

by astuaryking



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-09
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2018-11-11 15:19:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11151141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astuaryking/pseuds/astuaryking
Summary: After all that happens on the quest for the Athena Parthenos, Reyna searches for closure back in Puerto Rico. There she finds nothing but more grief. Thalia watches Reyna, distraught and alone, and wonders how long she’ll be able to hold herself together. She decides to help Reyna to overcome her fear and guilt and begins to find new fears of her own. Only together can they find peace. Only through love can they become whole.





	Athazagoraphobia

**Author's Note:**

> This work is for the pjofemslashminibang on tumblr. I worked with raptoroundyourfinger who made art for for the fic. This is the first fic I've ever published, and I hope you like it.

**Athazagoraphobia**

**-** **Chapter 1-**

_ “Closure. We all seek it. We seek the end of things and also the beginning of new things. Those things we can’t find closure on, they haunt us.” _

Reyna shivered as the wind blew through her shirt. She wouldn’t be needing a coat where she was going, though. She shivered even more at the thought of going home. Her visit to San Juan with the Athena Parthenos had been as horrific and traumatic as she could have expected. That’s why she needed to go back. She needed to know if her sister was okay. She needed to know what had happened to everyone after the massacre she had witnessed.

_ I can handle it,  _ Frank had told her.  _ Go do what you need to do. I’ve got it under control. _

__ She was confident that things would be fine at Camp Jupiter. All anyone wanted after the war was some peace. Naturally, Reyna felt inclined to leave the relative peace at Camp Jupiter and head to the ruins of the Amazons’ headquarters and her childhood home. Maybe it was the war goddess in her blood; maybe it was her knack for getting herself into the most dangerous situations possible. She leaned forward, resting her head against her pegasus’ neck. A pang of guilt hit her for just a moment, as it always did when she remembered Scipio. 

Reyna pushed those thoughts out of her head and tried to relax. She had a long flight ahead of her. The expansive plains stretched out beneath her. The tall grass swayed in the wind, the movement just subtly detectable from her altitude. It looked like the gentle waves of a calm lake, mottled with soft greens and brilliant golds. Her journey progressed and the plains passed into the sea; she was getting closer and closer to home. With each mile that went by, Reyna tried to focus on other things to distract her from the knots in her chest, constantly tying themselves around each other, getting more and more tangled alongside her thoughts. 

**＊ ＊ ＊**

Guido the Pegasus trotted along the brick lane, clearly unsettled by the heat. Reyna was used to the heat; what unsettled her was much worse. The colorful houses fascinated the tourists, but they filled her stomach with dreadful memories. She and her sister used to run down this street, looking for someone to take them in for the night after they had angered their father. She was so close to her old house — she could no longer call it a home — that she wanted to puke. The horror that those walls had seen was immeasurable. Events from her childhood and the events from Orion’s invasion of Amazon headquarters that summer had made sure there was plenty of blood to seep into the floorboards. 

Finally, she dismounted her pegasus on the front stoop. The doors were no larger than the average front door but they seemed to tower above her, as if she was a little child again, barely able to reach the doorknob. For a moment, Reyna clenched her eyes shut and shook her head to clear it. She opened the door into the open concept living space. Guido stomped his hooves in agitation.

“Go,” Reyna said to the pegasus, “This place is never safe.”

Guido glanced at her one more time before flying off. He circled around the island from above, waiting for her to call him back down. Taking a deep breath, Reyna stepped past the threshold and left the door hanging open behind her, the heavy, tropical air blowing through the empty room. The breeze blew a layer of dust from the hearth. Reyna remembered the entrance to the Amazons’ headquarters was within that useless fireplace.

A chill went down her spine. She snapped her head around to glance over her shoulder. Nothing was there, but she could have sworn she had heard a whisper.

_ Murderer. _

Reyna clenched her hands in tight fists to keep them from shaking. After taking another deep breath, she opened the hatch in the fireplace and climbed down the ladder. The air smelled musty, as if it hadn’t been in use by very many people. 

**_Murderer._ **

Reyna jumped backwards. She knew she heard it this time, coming from right in front of her. She was breathing hard, her breath visible in the strange chill in the air. Her eyes darted back and forth, but she saw nothing. Reyna had told herself to prepare for the ghosts, but she knew she would never be ready. They were truly her worst nightmare. 

**_Traitor._ **

The call came from behind her this time, louder than before. Reyna whipped around in a 180, but the phantom continued to evade her. The voice was odd; it seemed familiar, but it wasn’t one of the voices she was used to hearing as a ghost. 

“Hylla!” Reyna called out, wincing at the noticeable fear in her voice.

A draft blew in through the open hatch above her, the noise sounding like haunting whispers. She exited the room at a very fast walk, putting the noise behind her. Reyna was hit with a wave of sadness when she entered the empty warehouse. She remembered the bustle of the Amazon’s sorting through packages of various magical weapons and substances. It was now vacant, aside from some old boxes. Her eyes caught on an old blood stain in the concrete that someone had surely tried to scrub out in vain. 

Reyna nearly screamed when she felt something touch her shoulder from behind. “Sorry to scare you,” her sister said. Her voice sounded like she was trying to be sarcastic, but she was too tired to muster the strength.

Reyna sighed in relief.  _ I’m safe. Hylla’s safe. Everything will be okay,  _ she told herself. Suddenly, upon hearing the exhaustion in her sister’s voice, the realization of just how tired she was hit her. She was tired of working, the weight of an army on her shoulders. She was tired of losing people, the weight of their deaths on her shoulders. She was tired of looking for someone to take some of that weight off. 

Tears welled in her eyes; she blinked them back. As if by the gravity of their combined exhaustion, the two sisters leaned into each other, embracing. Reyna didn’t cry, but she buried her face into Hylla’s shoulder, into the shoulder that she could always trust not to pull away until she was ready.

“It’s good to see you again,” Hylla said. “I’ve sent the Amazons that survived to other bases to gather whoever remains. I heard you killed Orion at Camp Half Blood. I’m so proud of you… Thank you.”

Reyna just nodded silently into her sister’s shoulder.  _ Gods, that’s good to hear,  _ she thought.  _ “I’m proud of you.” “Thank you.” _

**_Traitor._ **

Apparently, Reyna had felt safe for too long. She felt Hylla’s arms tighten momentarily, flinching from the harsh word. Reyna lifted her head to look over Hylla’s shoulder. She gasped and backed away from the ghost that had finally decided to make itself visible. Hylla grudgingly turned around to see what Reyna had gasped at. Reyna continued to back away, shaking her head. 

“Oh my gods,” Hylla said. “No. This isn’t fair.”

“What’s going on?” a voice asked from another entrance. Thalia Grace, accompanied by several huntresses who had decided to visit, jogged to the center of the room to join the sisters. “What’s the matter?”

Reyna couldn’t spare Thalia a glance. Her eyes were fixed on another huntress. 

**_Traitor. Murderer._ **

The red-haired huntress, Phoebe, stood before her, her abdomen soaked in blood. Reyna sobbed in horror. “T-this doesn’t make any sense. Why? I-it’s— I-I couldn’t do anything.” Reyna fell to her knees. 

Thalia crouched next to the praetor and placed a hand on her shoulder. She could neither see nor hear the phantom. It was probably for the best. The ghosts on this island were only meant for two sets of eyes. They would only be for the family who had brought the gods to Puerto Rico. “Hylla,” Thalia asked, “what’s happening?”

Hylla turned away from the ghost. “Reyna, look at me.” She waited until Reyna lifted her head. “This is not on you. This is  _ not  _ your fault.”

**_Traitor. Murderer._ **

The usual Ramirez-Arellano ghosts filled the warehouse behind her. Reyna pressed the palms of her hands over her ears and squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block them out. New ghosts appeared in front of her, next to Phoebe. Kinzie, the Amazon, Celyn and Naomi, the other two hunters she remembered, countless others. Their voices fluctuated, some whispering and some shouting. 

_ What business do they have here? I killed Orion; they can pass on to the Underworld,  _ Reyna thought. She knew that it wasn’t her fault; she knew that there was nothing she could have done, but there words still ate away heart. It had to be some mistake. Their spirits were caught here in the bad energy, and they had learned to say these things from the other ghosts. 

It  _ had  _ to be a mistake, but Reyna couldn’t ignore it. Her own conscience began to attack her. Her own mind was telling her she was guilty. She ran away when there were people that needed to be saved. Thalia and Hylla were trying to calm her, telling her it wasn’t her fault. Their voices were muffled and unclear like they were speaking underwater. The other hunters just looked confused and on edge, as if they could feel the presence of their dead companions, but they couldn’t understand what it was. 

**＊ ＊ ＊**

Reyna figured she had blacked out for a while. She woke up in a cot, staring at a dull, gray ceiling. She wondered for a moment if it had all been a dream, but this was quickly brushed aside when she felt the dried tears on her cheeks and saw her sister leaning on a door frame with a concerned expression.

“I’m sorry you had to see that,” Hylla said. “Promise me you won’t let this break you.”

“If after everything, we’re not already broken, I don’t think we’ll ever break,” Reyna said grimly. She stood up from the cot and walked out of the room. “How do I get out of here? I need to get home.” She paused and realized what she had said. She turned to Hylla, “You know I can’t call this place home anymore.”

Hylla nodded, “I should leave this place behind too.” She looked over her shoulder into the vacant room and sighed, “I thought I could make this place new, change it for the better, but I see it’s in vain. You can’t remove blood that’s already soaked in. Go get the Hunters. I just have to grab a few things.”

Reyna roamed the impressively expansive bunker in search of the Huntresses. When she found them she simply pointed over her shoulder with her thumb, “We’re out of here. For good.”

The Hunters didn’t seem to have any problem with that and followed Reyna. Thalia made her way to the front of the group and walked next to her. “How are you doing?” she asked. “I remember you seeing some ghosts back during our fight with Orion. Are these the same ones?”

Reyna turned to look Thalia in the eyes. Usually startling blue, now dulled with concern, met pained and weary black. “I came here for closure and all I did was open new wounds. Just when I think the Fates have had enough with me, they pile on more shame and guilt.”

Thalia was taken aback by the praetor’s blatant show of vulnerability. She didn’t know how to respond, so she handed Reyna a slip of paper. “It’s my number. I know you can only call in emergencies, but I’ll be working with your sister for a while, so I’ll be around. If you ever need me…” Thalia squeezed Reyna’s shoulder reassuringly as they reached the ladder back into the old house. 

They exchanged no more words. Reyna nodded and slipped the paper into her pocket. She went outside and waited for her Guido to return. She took a deep breath as she mounted the pegasus, wondering if it would truly be her last breath of San Juan air. As the island faded from her view, her exhales gradually faded into sobs. She twisted the pegasus’ mane around her hands and buried her face into his neck. There was nothing she could have done to save all of those people. And now there was nothing she could do to find freedom. Closure would evade her in so many matters. She believed it would follow her, that she would be haunted her whole life. 

 

**-Chapter 2-**

_ “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.” - Washington Irving _

 

Reyna sat hunched over on the bench in the Garden of Bacchus. This was her favorite place in Camp Jupiter. She remembered how she loved to look out over the whole city of New Rome, watching the people roam the winding roads. It used to cheer her up, when she had lost something. Sitting up there with the knowledge that Camp Jupiter’s fight had at least saved the lives of all those people in the city, had reassured her that she was needed. Visiting San Juan again had broken her. Not even this garden could heal her. Old memories and new mixed together in her dreams in a horrifying soup loss, grief, and guilt. 

Earlier that day Frank had informed her that the Hunters of Artemis were visiting for a rest after their most recent quest they had finished nearby. Reyna was tempted to leave camp for a while, but she couldn’t come up with a discreet excuse. She knew seeing them again would be painful. It would only remind her of all those she had lost, or all she had failed to save. Reyna knew she would have to encounter them many times for the rest of her life whether she liked it or not, so she she would just have to deal with the pain. Surely, they had much of their own pain to experience when they looked at her. 

**＊ ＊ ＊**

The Hunters of Artemis arrived mid-November. Being in California, the weather was only slightly colder than usual, but Reyna welcomed whatever temporary chill could be provided. The constant heat reminded her too much of San Juan. Perhaps she should take a vacation to Camp Half Blood over the winter so she could see some snow. Reyna shook her head, shaking the irrelevant thoughts from her mind. She needed to stay focused on the task at hand, keep moving on moment by moment. She had come to find that staying in the present was the only way to avoid thinking of the past.

In the evening, everyone gathered in the dining area. The Hunters spread out and mingled with the campers. Reyna sat with Frank and Hazel, Frank being the other praetor. There wasn’t much to discuss because things seemed to be settling down after the war with Gaea. Few monster attacks, no threatening prophecies, no uninvited gods to worry about. Thalia Grace appeared from the crowd and joined them at their table, sitting at the end of the couch next to Reyna. 

Thalia took a sip of her drink before speaking, “So… how is everyone?”

Frank shrugged, “Good, I guess. Not much is happening; it’s a weird feeling.” 

Reyna nodded in agreement, although she wasn’t really listening to the conversation. She was spaced out, lost in thought. That was happening more and more often lately. 

Thalia punched her arm lightly to get her attention. She waved her hand in front of Reyna’s eyes, “You still with us.”

Reyna blinked quickly and dropped her fork, snapping back into reality. She cleared her throat, “Yeah. Yeah, there’s just not much to do anymore. Same old drills. Same old routines. Who would’ve thought I’d be wanting more action.”

“If you want action, we should switch places. There’s not too much turmoil going on now, but the Hunters always feel the need to keep moving. We just run around the country chasing down monsters that were brought back through the Doors of Death. I’d like to get myself a break,” Thalia said.

“Why don’t you guys stay here for a while?” Hazel suggested, looking to Frank and Reyna for approval. “You guys want a break, and we need some more liveliness around camp. Seems like a win-win to me.”

“Sounds good to me,” Frank paused and looked at Reyna.

Suddenly, Reyna realized that no matter how much she was falling apart inside, no one else saw that. Few people even knew about what had happened in San Juan, much less all of the grisly details surrounding the place going all the way back to her childhood. Reyna let out a deep sigh and tried to press on a smile. “I don’t see why not,” she said.

Thalia looked at her quizzically. Unlike Frank and Hazel, she at least knew about the disasters that had happened both during the war with Gaea and just a month ago. She had seen the ghosts of Reyna’s ancestors when Orion was attacking. Of course, she couldn’t have heard their voices, she couldn’t have known what they were accusing her of, but both times, Thalia had seen how terrified she had been. She knew that Reyna wasn’t as strong as she let on. Thalia was starting to sense that she was associated with bad memories. 

Regardless, Thalia agreed with the idea. “I’ll let the other hunters know. I’m sure it would do us all some good to stay in one place for once.”

With that, dinner ended, and everyone began to exit the dining hall to spend their free time as they wished. Reyna walked down the side of the path alone, making her way to her quarters. About halfway there, Thalia caught up with her.

“Hey,” the hunter said, “I get the feeling you’re kinda not okay with us staying here.”

Reyna glanced back at her, “It’s fine, really. I guess it’s just some bad memories.”

“Yeah, we all have bad memories of that place, but you’re getting hung up on something. Back in San Juan last month, you and Hylla saw something I couldn’t. Even those ghosts that were there when Orion was attacking, what were those?” Thalia asked.

“We all have ghosts, Thalia. I can handle mine,” Reyna replied.

“Can you?”

Reyna stopped walking. Deep down, she knew she couldn’t handle it, the pain and the guilt, but at the same time she knew she  _ had  _ to handle it. So many people relied on her leadership and her strength. Even in peacetimes she could not show weakness.

“You know it’s okay to have, like, emotions,” Thalia said, as if she had read Reyna’s mind. “Your people already know how strong you are. I know it sounds cliché, but they also need to know that you’re human.”

“They know I’m human. I laugh sometimes.”

Thalia smirked for a moment and then returned to seriousness. “But have you ever,” she shrugged, “I don’t know,  _ cried _ . Everyone experienced some sadness and some loss that day at Camp Half Blood. Do they know you felt that too?”

“Yes, I’ve cried,” Reyna said with some severity in her tone. It was clear she didn’t like people pressing her emotions. “ _ You  _ know that. You saw it just a month ago. It doesn’t matter if my people have ever seen me cry, they already know I’m broken.” Her voice broke on the last two words. “It’s not that hard to see, is it?” She had turned around to face Thalia. Although she held her head up, holding Thalia’s gaze, her hands were shaking. She fought to control her breathing and blinked to keep the tears out of her eyes. 

Thalia’s eyes softened, although their icy blue remained stunningly bright in dimming evening light. She put her hands in the pockets of her jacket, relaxing her posture as her own way of relaxing the tension. “Have you ever told someone about,” she shrugged again, “everything.”

Reyna nodded, “Nico, once we got out of Puerto Rico.”

“But that was before this second incident. Somehow, going back home made things so much worse for you.”

“That’s not my home anymore. Almost everything I’ve lost has been lost there. It never was my home I was always trying to get out, even as a little girl,” Reyna said.

“You lost more than just those Hunters and Amazons,” Thalia guessed. “You lost someone much closer to you.”

“Close to my sister, maybe, but he was never close to me. At least not from what I can remember.” Reyna sat down on a large rock by the side of the path. Bringing up these memories was particularly exhausting.

Thalia sat down next to her. “Who is ‘he?’”

Reyna propped her elbows on her knees and held her head in her hands. “My dad. I mean, who else would it be?” She rubbed her eyes although no tears had come yet.

Thalia had figured it had to have been something with her father. She couldn’t pin down what it would be though. There are so many things a parent can do wrong, so many ways they can hurt their child. 

“I have to believe he loved me at some point,” Reyna continued. “Hylla told me he wasn’t too bad when I was a baby, but all I can remember of him is barely human.” A tear finally managed to escape. She wiped it away quickly. “He was in the military, and he went through some rough times. Bellona has always followed our family, but having children with a goddess is taking it to another level. I guess it was all just too much for him.”

Thalia waited for Reyna to continue. Her expression remained concerned and thoughtful. She squeezed Reyna’s shoulder and nodded reassuringly. 

Reyna took a deep breath, paused and then struggled on with the story, “One day, my father caught Hylla and me trying to escape the house and got,” she paused again, perhaps struggling to find an adequate word, “angry. By this time, I- I don’t know what he was, what he had become. Nico said he was some sort of ghost, that his humanity had somehow deteriorated. He threw a chair across the room, like a poltergeist, and it knocked Hylla out. At that time, she was my only safety, and I thought- I thought she was dead. I thought I was alone. I grabbed a sword that we had on display, and I charged him it was all I could do.” 

Reyna stopped there, unable to continue. Thalia finally decided to speak, “So, that’s it. You attacked him for hurting your sister. You had every right.”

“I didn’t just attack him. I  _ killed  _ him. He just disappeared; he was gone. I killed my own father, and whenever I go back there, those ghosts do not hesitate to remind me.” Unrestrained tears now streamed down her face. “They whisper in my mind ‘murderer.’ They call me a traitor, and I have no choice but to believe it.”

Thalia found herself profoundly struck by Reyna’s words. Everyone has things they feel guilty about. Thalia remembered digging herself into a few ruts in her time— Jason, Zöe Nightshade, all those hunters— but Reyna had dug herself into the Tartarus of all guilt pits. Thalia didn’t know if she could help her out of it, but she would try. “ _ Of course _ you have a choice.” She forced Reyna to face her. “You  _ know  _ it’s a lie. You did what you had to do, and that wasn’t even your father anymore. You can’t let yourself be destroyed by lies.” 

“I was moving on. I was trying to move past it. Talking about it to Nico helped a bit,” Reyna managed to say.

“‘Was?” Why ‘was?’”

Reyna took a moment to compose herself as best she could. “You saw me there, when I came back after the war. It wasn’t just the family ghosts calling me traitor.”

When the revelation finally dawned on Thalia, it brought her to tears as well. She took one of Reyna’s hands. Reyna did not resist, but she could no longer meet Thalia’s eyes. “You saw  _ them _ , didn’t you, all those Hunters and Amazons. That could be blamed on a lot of people, but not you. That was  _ our  _ plan, mine and your sister’s. You just happened to be there, and you helped. Without you there more people may have died.”

“He was tracking  _ me. I  _ led him there.”

_ “We  _ brought you there. Stop trying to put this on yourself.”

“I wish I could,” Reyna spoke with desperation. “My head knows it’s not my fault, but my heart will not let it go.”

“I wish I knew what to say,” Thalia said. “I’m not the best in matters of the heart, but I do know that you’re one of the bravest and most selfless people I know. With everything you’ve done and been through, you deserve to be proud of yourself, not to feel guilty.”

Reyna nodded wryly, “Most times, what we get isn’t what we deserve.” With that, she wiped away her tears, stood up and walked away. She turned around after a few paces and said simply, earnestly, “Thank you.”

 

**-Chapter 3-**

_ “Let us make one point, that we meet each other with a smile, when it is difficult to smile.” - Mother Theresa _

 

Thalia studied Reyna with awe in the days following their conversation. Thalia now knew the extent of what she had been through, all she had lost and suffered. It made Thalia think of her own pain— losing Jason when she was young, losing her mother, being turned into a pine tree after nearly dying, losing Zöe— but when she looked back, it didn’t seem so bad. The good in her life outweighed the bad. She was given a second chance at life after being brought back from the tree, found a place with the Hunters, had so many good friends, and even got her brother back.

When she looked at Reyna, she saw a person so weighed down by the bad that she didn’t know how to let in the good. It pained Thalia to know what was inside Reyna, yet it amazed her to see how Reyna held it all in. She led Camp Jupiter with stoicism and forbearance, despite it all. 

Thalia reflected on how she could help Reyna, and she came to the conclusion that the bad in Reyna’s life would never go away, so she needed to outweigh the bad with good. As with many people who have experienced pain and abuse, Reyna didn’t trust anyone and didn’t want to let anyone in. What Reyna needed was a good friend, whom she could tell anything and always trust them. Thalia was ready to be that friend, but she just needed to make Reyna to see that.

The morning five days after her and Reyna’s conversation, Thalia put all snark aside, and just decided to be a genuinely kind person. People often underestimate the effect random acts of kindness can have on someone. Thalia got up early and grabbed something extra at breakfast for Reyna. She sat down next to her with the food and a genial “good morning.” Reyna looked rather taken aback but accepted it. They had a nice conversation, just about what they would be doing that day, nothing sad about the past. Thalia figured Reyna liked to stay in the present.

That night after also spending dinner with Reyna, Thalia returned to the quarters that had been assigned for the Hunters. She sat down on her cot, pleased with what she had done in the day. Reyna seemed a bit happier, but she never smiled or laughed. It was almost as if her selfless nature required her to be grateful for the kindness although it didn’t have much of an effect. 

One of the other hunters sat on the cot across from her. “Have a good day?” the hunter asked.  

“Pretty good,” Thalia replied.

The hunter nodded, “You seemed awful happy today. Or at least you seemed awful nice.”

“I’m just trying to help a friend,” Thalia said. “Or I’m trying to help someone who needs a friend by being their friend.”

The hunter nodded again, “That praetor. Are you sure she wants a friend.”

“Yes. Well, she  _ needs  _ a friend, and I guess that means she’ll want one when she realizes that.”

“Okay,” the hunter said with a chuckle, “but I’ll bet she won’t smile, no matter what you do. Even though they might need it, some people don’t want to be happy.”

That thought, nonchalantly suggested by her fellow hunter, was disturbing to Thalia. She had to believe that everyone wanted to be happy, deep down. That was the goal of human existence, wasn’t it? She shook it off and lied down on her cot. With a chuckle of her own she replied, “Bet. She said she laughs sometimes.”

**＊ ＊ ＊**

Thalia took the hunter’s bet as a very serious extension on her original plan. Smiling was a very simple function that almost everyone did. Whether it was real or whether it was hiding something, people smiled. It shouldn’t have been hard to make Reyna smile, but it proved a very difficult and frustrating task. 

Day by day, Thalia simply acted as a good friend would. She did nice things, made complements, told stories, and listened to stories. Sometimes, Reyna would do these things in return, perhaps because she felt obligated to or because she looked to Thalia as a friend. Either way, Reyna did these things as she did all things, with a slight reluctance, as if she was was thinking about whether it was worth it or not and then realizing that she couldn’t tell the worth of anything. 

Most days, to Thalia’s dissatisfaction, she would get very little reaction. Thalia was frustrated that Reyna was annoyed or uncomfortable with her company. All she wanted to do was help, but all she ever got was maybe a slight improvement in attitude. 

Still, Thalia continued to meet her with a smile every day, hoping it would be contagious. It has so much become a part of her lifestyle, that she greeted Reyna with a cheerful complement nearly every day. They would wake up and go to breakfast. Thalia would smile and say something similar to “Morning. You look beautiful today.”

Every time, Reyna would almost flinch or her expression would become more stern and a slight rose tint would appear across her face. She would then muster a nod and a quiet “morning” in reply. 

This reaction never failed to confuse Thalia.  _ It’s not like no one ever told her she looks nice,  _ Thalia thought.  _ Surely, someone like her must hear that a lot.  _

Eventually, Thalia decided to just ask Reyna. One afternoon that Camp Jupiter had decided to take off, they were walking through New Rome together, and Thalia bluntly inquired, “Alright, just tell me. What’ll it take to make me smile?”

Reyna’s head snapped towards Thalia. She looked a mixture of tired and confused. Thalia could see the exhaustion in her eyes. “Why are you doing this?” Reyna asked.

“Because I care about you… and I want to see you happy,” Thalia stated the obvious. Reyna offered no reply. She turned her eyes back down to her feet, her eyebrows knit together pensively. Thalia grabbed Reyna’s shoulder to stop her from walking and turn her to face her. Thalia gave bemused half-smile and shook her head. She scoffed, “Why is that so hard for you to believe?” Reyna still offered no answer. If anything she looked ashamed. For what, Thalia couldn’t imagine. 

Thalia stared at Reyna in bewilderment. She pulled Reyna into a hug. Reyna stiffened momentarily, that leaned in to Thalia, accepting. “You’re allowed to be happy too, you know,” Thalia said, softly. 

Reyna nodded into Thalia’s shoulder and then stepped back. Her head was still turned towards the ground, but Thalia caught her, if only just for a moment, with a small grin on her lips and little bit of happiness in her eyes.

**＊ ＊ ＊**

The day was nearing when the Hunters’ vacation at Camp Jupiter was over and Thalia would go back to the Hunt, but she was happy with the improvement she had made in Reyna’s life. Reyna smiled more often, even sparing a laugh every now and then. Reyna had finally found someone she could open up to, and they had become close friends. 

However, as their time together was drawing to a close, Thalia noticed another decline in Reyna’s emotion. About three days before Thalia would leave, she just pulled away. Thalia knew that Reyna had had some inner revelation, perhaps about her leaving in the future or maybe about something from her past. She knew Reyna was building walls again, and she couldn’t let all her hard work go waste.

The day before her departure, Thalia approached Reyna in the Garden of Bacchus. Reyna was sitting on the bench there looking out over the camp, and Thalia sat beside her. 

“Hey,” Reyna said. She smiled, but the happiness wasn’t in her eyes anymore. 

Thalia punched her arm affectionately. “What’s going on with you?”

Reyna stared into the distance, exhaustion present in her eyes once again. This time, Thalia detected a hint of sorrow or maybe even fear.  “New Rome is my home, and I can’t leave here. I have had so many different homes, but I feel like this is where I’m really meant to be. But everyone who comes into my life, everyone who I come to care about… who I come to love, they all move on. They have bigger places to be, higher callings to find. And I am left here,” Reyna said.

“You know I’ll come to visit,” Thalia said.

Reyna turned to look at Thalia. She offered a nod and another smile, but her eyes were teary. “But I’ll get older,” she said. Her tone and expression dropped to one of hopelessness and distress. “And time and time again, I am alone. I- It’s left me in this position where I don’t know- what to do with myself anymore, because I am just  _ terrified  _ of being left behind.”

The statement hit Thalia like a speeding locomotive.  _ But I’ll get older.  _ Thalia had always been aware of her immortality. She had known what she was signing up for and she noticed that she and her little brother were now the same age. She had believed joining the immortal mission of the Hunters was her destiny, but now she really thought about it. She thought about all of the people she had lost and how painful it had been. She thought about losing her mother and those years when she though Jason was gone too. Then she thought about all of her friends that she had made over her years and how painful it would be to lose them. 

The full reality of having to watch each and every one of her friends die of old age, or more likely, in battle finally dawned on her. It filled her chest with a deep pain. She looked at Reyna, staring at her home, fearing the future far more than her past. Thalia leaned over and hugged her friend. “I won’t leave you behind. Don’t you worry,” she said with a reassuring smile. She stood up from the bench, “I gotta go pack up.”

 

**-Chapter 4-**

_ “The best use of life is love. The best expression of love is time. The best time to love is now.” - Rick Warren _

A week had passed back on the Hunt. It felt good to be moving again, chasing after whatever monsters they could find, but Thalia’s mind was still filled with turmoil. Could she really bear it, to have immortality when her closest friends and family did not? She remembered how she had felt caring for Jason when she was young. She felt abandoned by her alcoholic mother, and after all of her work caring for Jason, her mother lost her mind and turned him over to Camp Jupiter. She had felt betrayed, and her mother had been too distant to feel remorse for her actions. Thalia’s childhood had been one of abandonment, she knew the feeling of being left behind all too well. 

She remembered what Reyna had said about being stuck at Camp Jupiter with everyone else moving on, and she realized that she was the one who was stuck. Everyone else would grow older and move on with their lives, and she would remain this age, doing the same thing all the while. Maybe immortality wasn’t all it was it was cracked up to be. It had to be easier for gods because their own kind was immortal. Their lifetimes were so long that they probably became desensitised to losing humans they were close to if they ever got close to humans at all. For a human, immortality was a much different situation. 

Thalia needed to make a decision. She decided to confront Artemis and just go with her gut. She ducked into Artemis’ tent. “May I speak with you about some personal concerns I have?” Thalia asked.

“Of course,” Artemis replied, turning around to face Thalia. It never failed to disorient Thalia to hear such a mature tone of voice on someone who looked like a twelve-year-old girl. 

Thalia sat down facing Artemis. “I have been thinking about immortality and what it means for my future. It was recently brought to my attention that eventually all of my friends will grow old and die, and I- I’ll have to- to watch that happen.” Just saying those words was painful.

“You have friends here with us,” Artemis said calmly.

“Yes, I know, and I love everyone here, but I also love everyone I knew before the Hunters, and I don’t know if I could take it— losing all of them.”

Artemis nodded. “It is a very difficult part of the commitment. It can take hundreds of years for some to move on.”

“But… I don’t know if I want to move on.” Thalia shrugged. 

Artemis smiled knowingly. Her eyes were softer and kinder than Thalia had ever seen them. “This place is meant to help women find themselves. By no means is it meant to hold you back, to keep you from your destiny. If you want to leave, it’s your choice.”

“Well, I- I don’t know if I really want to leave,” Thalia stammered nervously. This decision could very well be the most important one she made in her lifetime. She shrugged. “The decision isn’t final.”

“You can take your time,” Artemis said. “But if your friends are what you’re worried about, don’t take too long. They don't have as much time as you.”

Those words were enough to make up Thalia's mind. “I need to leave.” She took off her circlet that marked her as Artemis’ lieutenant and placed it at the goddess’ feet. “I'm resigning.”

Artemis clasped an understanding hand on Thalia’s shoulder. “I wish you only the best in your future endeavors.”

Thalia left the tent and took a deep breath. Saying goodbye to the Hunters would be hard but she could always see them again. She wasn't immortal anymore so she didn't have any time to waste thinking over whether she had made the right decision. It felt right in her heart and she just had to trust that.

**＊ ＊ ＊**

The time Reyna had spent growing closer to Thalia had been some of the best time in her life. For once she had someone she could put all her trust in, someone she could tell anything. Reyna still couldn't fathom why Thalia had taken all that time to get close to her, why she put in all that effort just to make her happy, but she appreciated it nonetheless. Now that Thalia was gone, Reyna realized how much she took her presence for granted. 

Reyna didn't have to go long without Thalia though. Reyna was sitting in the Principia alone, reading reports the centurions had given her from activities and exercises throughout the week. She heard a knock on the door, and Thalia opened it and walked in. “Miss me?” she said with a smile.

Reyna returned the smile, but she was confused. “Back so soon?” she replied. 

Something about Thalia looked different. Firstly she was wearing regular clothes, just her usual leather jacket and jeans. Her hair looked normal aside from the absence of her silver circlet. Still, something was missing that Reyna couldn't quite pinpoint.

She cocked her head to the side. “Something about you is different, but I can't put my finger on it.”

“Athazagoraphobia,” Thalia said. “It's the fear of being forgotten, abandoned, or left behind.” She took a deep breath and a long blink. “You and I are not so different.”

Suddenly, it clicked. All the Hunters had this faint silver aura about them, perhaps it was a sign of their immortality or their connection with Artemis. Whatever it was Thalia didn't have it anymore. 

Reyna shook her head. “You didn't… leave the Hunters of Artemis, did you?”

Thalia looked into Reyna's eyes. “I thought it was the right choice.”

“No! No, no, no,” Reyna stood up from her work and walked up to Thalia. “You can't do that,” she said. She grabbed Thalia's wrists and stared at her hands, trying to make sense of it all. “ Why would you do that? You gave up immortality. You gave up a group of people who could be with you forever. And for what?”

Thalia took Reyna's hands in hers. She still held a small smile on her face. There was no regret in her expression. “For love,” she said simply. “What good is eternal life if that life isn't worth living?”

Reyna wanted to say something, but she found herself at a complete loss for words. She had been waiting for a moment like this one her whole life and now that it came she didn't know what to do. 

For Thalia, this moment would tell if her sacrifice, if her giving up eternal life, was really worth it, yet she didn't seem nervous. She took Reyna's face in her hands, pulled her closer, and kissed her. It wasn't long, only a moment, but it held a lasting impression. 

Reyna smiled. It was small, but it was her best one yet. In her eyes there was true happiness, with no restraints or repressed concerns. She nodded and gave a light chuckle. “For love,” she agreed.


End file.
